SiL: My non-Scot from Happn

One of my friends swears by Happn. This is an app that I’ve not really had that much interest in before now, ergo not that much luck either. I understand how it would work, but I do think there is a certain type of person it would work for. It seems to me that by the happnnature of the app (and by the type of people that were ‘charming’ me) that it is most suited to people looking for a relationship. I don’t think it has the same reputation as Tinder; it’s not just a hook-up thing.

For anyone who doesn’t know what Happn is, it is a dating app that tracks where you are and who you walk near. I think it is best explained by example. Let’s say I am walking along the Southbank. I can stop at any point, look at my Happn feed and it will tell me who I’ve walked near (within a radius like Tinder), and where I passed them. I can then scroll down the screen and see photographs of all the men I’ve walked past who use the app. You can track your whole day if you really wanted to but it will refresh when more people pass by. If I like them I can click that I’m interested, and if they’ve clicked me too then we have a match. But there is a problem here. If you don’t go on regularly then you’ll never see that you’ve walked past people who may have ‘liked you’ and never see they were there. It’s not hugely dissimilar to Tinder in this respect, however Tinder has a wider pool to fish in. If you want to get noticed and you’re worried the person you fancy isn’t going to log on and see you then you can ‘charm’ them and they get a notification sent through to their phone prompting them to see. For my friends who are successful with Happn they are on there regularly, and all looking for love.

After much persuasion I give in and download the app. Excited at first I like a few people and nothing comes of it. No matches. I get charms but not by anyone who I am remotely interested in. I know I don’t want to chat because they either don’t tickle my fancy looks wise or most likely there is something in their profile pics that puts me off. I don’t want someone who shows off they are a family man by holding babies (I don’t want a family, and I don’t want to waste your time – or mine), and I don’t want someone who doesn’t look like they take care of their appearance. Sorry I just don’t.

excited faceBut then Jasper comes along. He’s cute, Scottish, a teacher and matched with me without using charms. We got chatting and he invites me on a date. Finally! How exciting. So we agree to meet Saturday at 3 in a café in South London he swears by, all the while I am showing his black locks and blue eyes off to my friends feeling quite good about this one.

Saturday comes and I am starting to feel nervous so my sister and her new boyfriend suggest we go grab a coffee in a café nearby first and then I can just go over the road and meet him when 3 rolls by. It gets to 2.50 and he sends me a text letting me know that he is running slightly late but on his way. That’s fine. I mean it puts me on edge a little because I am already quite nervous, and my sister’s boyfriend’s advice all day has been ‘just stop thinking about it and go with the flow’. Yeah fine, but I am quite neurotic. 3.10: Nothing. 3.20: Nothing. 3.30: Nothing. 3.40: Nothing. What do I do? They are telling me to give it a while longer – maybe he’s stuck in traffic. He knows I’m here right?waiting gif

Now I’ve been stood up before, so I know how this goes. Ready to give up I pick up my phone (for the umptheenth time) and contemplate whether to send him the ‘where are you, are you coming?’ text message that makes you feel vulnerable. 3.55: Buzz Buzz.

“So I take it you decided not to come then.” Wait, what?!
“No I’m here. Im in a café nearby but hadn’t heard from you so thought you’d not arrived yet. Are you there?”
“Yes I’ve been here since 5 past 3.” – WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?!

So I head on over, feeling nervous, anxious and a little pissed to be honest because now I look like the asshole that didn’t show and find him standing at the door. He’s nervous too I can tell, but he is not what I was expecting. He’s not Scottish, fully grey (which is fine just be honest with me) and it later transpires he is not a teacher either. An awkward beer, jilted conversation (primarily lead by me asking questions about what he likes, what he does, his friends etc. because he has nothing to ask me), and a party of young parents and babies swarming us marks the end of a pretty weird afternoon.

Needless to say neither of us bothered to contact the other again. I was an asshole, and he was a liar.

I deleted Happn. (My friends still go on dates each week from it).

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